Kids are fun, aren’t they? I could think of a whole lot of other words to describe them, too. So dang cute, wonderful, charming, hilarious, imaginative, delusional, maddening, nasty, beastly, so dang annoying.
In the course of a day, there are a whole lot of things that make their way through my brain but, thankfully, remain trapped there in the crevices of a brain that has been dissected and digested by zombies children. Well, okay. They make it into my diary.
Here are some of my most private confessions. Don’t judge. I’m a stressed out mom. With a half-eaten brain.
1. When your kid says “I hate you,” and you want to say, yeah, well, I don’t really like you all that much right now, either.
(But you don’t, because kids are snowflakes, and you wouldn’t want to crush them.)
2. When your kid says he wants to run away and you want to say, “Here’s a sandwich. Make it last. Practice rationing.”
(But you don’t, because the neighbors would call CPS.)
3. When your kid says, “I don’t like that,” before he’s tasted dinner and you want to say, “Then you get a big bowl of nunya for dinner. And it’s delicious.”
(But you don’t, because you wouldn’t want to create an unhealthy relationship with food. Kids are so fragile nowadays.)
4. When your kid gets hit by his brother and you want to say, “Welp, you deserved that.”
(But you don’t, because kids need endless empathy to grow into healthy adults. Your brother hit you because you were yelling in his face, egging him on? I’m so sorry, baby.)
5. When your kid complains about doing chores and you want to say, “This is my payment for having you. Now get to work.”
(But you don’t, because child labor is not okay.)
6. When your kid says, “I threw up a little bit,” and you want to say, “Yeah, well, you’re out of sick days, kid. Suck it up.”
(But you don’t, because puke, everywhere. You don’t even have words anymore.)
7. When your 3-year-old argues with his brother for 15 minutes over whether or not the moon is a piece of the sun broken off, and you want to say, “What the hell does it matter?”
(But you don’t, because hell is a bad word. And 3-year-olds? Sponges.)
8. When your kid pushes that one button and you want to karate-kid his face.
(But you don’t, because, well, CPS.)
9. When your kid won’t stop copying you and you want to Duct tape his mouth shut.
(But you don’t, because you can’t find the tape you left in the drawer, which means someone probably already got to it and used it for sketchy purposes. You’ll find it when you try to lift the seat on your toilet. Ha ha. Very funny.)
10. When your kid asks, “Are we almost there?” before you’re even out of the neighborhood and you want to turn the car back around, park it in your driveway and say, “Yep. We are now.”
(But you don’t, because you’d rather have them all strapped in seats than running wild in the house.)
11. When your kid says you’re the worst parent ever and you want to say, “Ding, ding ding! We have a winner. Oh, wait. Nope, you’re not winning any awards for best kid in the world, either.”
(But you don’t, because self esteem. Snowflakes. Fragile. You don’t want to break them.)
(But seriously. Karate kid. And rationing. And suck it up. WORST. KID. EVER. right now.)
