by Rachel Toalson | General Blog, Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Husband: Give me the fly swatter.
4-year-old: But I want to die a fly.
Husband: You want to die a fly?
Me: Well, that is quite an aspiration.
9-year-old: Mama, I have DNA samples of myself on my desk.
Me: Oh, really?
9-year-old: Yeah. A fingernail, a toenail and hair. I was hoping to go to a science place and clone myself so one of me could go to school and one could stay home.
Me:
9-year-old:
Me:
9-year-old: What?
5-year-old [bouncing on Husband’s back]: You’re…really…squishy.
Husband: The reason we don’t do that is because [blah blah blah]
9-year-old: You’re overwhelming me. You’re using too many words.
5-year-old: Daddy, I have to go pee.
Husband: So go pee.
5-year-old: My brother is already peeing. I guess I’ll have to pee on his face.
Husband: That is definitely not an option. Nope.
4-year-old: I forgot.
Me: You forgot what?
4-year-old: I FORGOT!
Husband: You forgot to talk?
4-year-old: YYYEEEEESSSSSS.
Me: I don’t think you’ve ever had a problem with that, actually.
6-year-old: Sometimes when I’m running, I trip over my leg.
Me: Well, that sounds like a problem.
6-year-old: Yeah. It is.
Husband: What do you want to be when you grow up?
4-year-old: I want to be a caveman when I grow up.
Me: That shouldn’t be too hard.
9-year-old: Daddy, while I was getting dressed, I was thinking about all the different ways you can kill a chicken.
Husband:
9-year-old:
Husband: That’s sounds…normal.
7-year-old: Hey, Mama. Guess what?
Me: I hate guessing games.
7-year-old: But guess what.
Me: What.
7-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
7-year-old: I made that up.
9-year-old: We’re starting a mine in our back yard. Asa’s digging, and we’re picking up strange rocks and old wood.
Me: Oh! I’m so excited!
9-year-old: You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you.
9-year-old: You’re the only parents in the whole world who make their kids do chores!
Husband:
Me:
9yo:
Husband & Me: hahahahahahahaha
Husband: Where is your brain?
4-year-old: In my tummy.
Me: Sounds about right.
Me: Did you know I won a poetry award today?
4-year-old: Because you burp really loud?
7-year-old: Daddy it’s raining!
Husband: I know. It’s crazy. My weather app says it’s zero percent chance of rain.
7-year-old: How does the weatherman keep his job when he’s wrong so much?
Husband: In the future, when we come to church, you need to not wear flip flops. And pants with no holes in them.
8-year-old: Yeah, and I should also probably wear underwear.
Husband:
8-year-old: Regrettably, I had a little bit of diarrhea in my underwear this morning.
Husband:
8-year-old:
Husband: Well, then.
9-year-old: So we’re not going to the pool?
Husband: No. We told you guys to clean up, and you didn’t.
9-year-old: I was going to come downstairs, but my brothers were chasing me with a banana.
7-year-old: Did you hear my toot? It made me go really fast.
Me: Too bad the smell didn’t go really fast with you.
7-year-old: [laughing hysterically]
Me: [passing out on the floor]
9-year-old: If you touch a fly and put your finger in your mouth, will you die?
Me: Why would you want to?
9-year-old: Maybe accidentally?
Husband: No. Think about it. You live in a house with twins. They’ve done much worse, and they’re still alive.
9-year-old: I’ll probably be really popular now that I’m the son of an author.
Me: Just make sure you wear deodorant.
9yo: Why?
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Me: What’s something cool that happened at school today?
5-year-old: I found three ladybugs on the playground today.
Me: You did?
5-year-old: Yeah. I put them in my lunch box.
4-year-old: I found a ladybug.
Me: Well, please don’t bring bugs in the car.
4-year-old: It’s not a bug, it’s a ladybug.
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: I’m not going to argue. But a ladybug has the word bug in it. Therefore, it is a bug.
4-year-old: No it’s not.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: Don’t go inside yet. We need to get an Easter picture of all of you. Then we’ll have lunch.
9-year-old: I want to take the picture after I eat, because I don’t want to look grim in my picture because I haven’t eaten.
Husband: Why are you naked?
6-year-old: I accidentally pooped in my underwear when I tried to toot.
Husband: Sometimes that happens.
4-year-old #1: Look at my crack
4-year-old #2: Ewww! Yuck!
4-year-old #1: hehehehe
4-year-old #2: Wanna see my crack when I get in bed?
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
6-year-old, to 3-year-old brother: I feel really angry at you, but I don’t want to hurt you.
9-year-old: I want to pee outside
Husband: No. You’re 9 years old. You can no longer pee outside when you’re 9 years old.
9-year-old: Why not?
Husband: Because—
9-year-old: Can I do it in the pits my brothers dug?
Husband: You’re really grouchy.
Me: I know. It’s been a hell of a morning.
9-year-old: You said a bad word.
Me: I don’t care.
9-year-old: Well, you’ll go where you said then.
Me: I said don’t eat yet. We haven’t prayed. Do you listen to anything comes out of my mouth?
3-year-old: No.
Me: What did I just say?
9-year-old: That I need to listen to you because one day it will help keep me safe. And so I’ll stay out of things. Like drugs.
6-year-old: We don’t have drugs in our house. We can’t get into drugs.
9-year-old: But we have alcohol.
Me: [shrug] It’s your dad’s.
9-year-old: Don’t worry, Mama, I’m not packing anything inappropriate.
Me: What would be inappropriate?
9-year-old: I don’t know. A poster that says, ‘This car used to be a butt.’
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Woman: Are you guys four yet?
3-year-old: No, I’m three.
Woman: Is your birthday coming up?
3-year-old: Yeah.
Woman: And then you’ll be, what, seven?
3-year-old: Yeah. Because we eat a lot of food.
9-year-old: I feel really angry that you guys are hovering around me like bees hover around flowers.
Husband: You have to ask two serious questions and one silly one.
9-year-old: Like when was the last time you tooted?
Husband: Sure.
9-year-old: Two seconds ago is how I would answer that question.
Husband:
9-year-old:
Husband: It’s time to evacuate the dinner table.
9-year-old: Daddy, I’m feeling really sick. Can you squeeze the toothpaste out onto my toothbrush?
Husband: If you hurt one of your brothers again you lose technology time indefinitely.
9-year-old: If I’m angry, can I tickle them instead?
Husband: I think you should just not touch them.
9-year-old: I think I’ll tickle them.
6-year-old: I think I would like that better.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
5-year-old: I can’t do it!
Me:
5-year-old: There. I got my shoes on.
Me: All right! You can do hard things!
5-year-old: Can I build a house? No.
Husband: You can sit in your seat until it’s time for dinner.
3-year-old: No.
Husband: Get in your seat.
3-year-old: I don’t want to get in my seat.
Me: Daddy’s being nice. I would have put you to bed early.
3-year-old: You’re evil.
Husband: A man lives in an all-pink one-story house. What color are the stairs?
9-year-old: Not enough information.
Husband: A man lives in an all-pink one-story house. What color are the stairs?
9-year-old: Oh, there are no stairs, because it’s a on-story. I could have said they were pink, but that would have been wrong, because a one-story house doesn’t have stairs, right? Unless it’s levitated. Like Nonny and Poppy’s.
6-year-old [examining his skin closely]: I think I’m shedding some skin here.
6-year-old: Dear God, please help us stop tooting. Amen.
Husband: Sometimes toots are good for us. Maybe just pray that they don’t smell bad.
6-year-old: I can never do that. My toots always smell. They smell like rotten broccoli.
3-year-old: I have swim trunks and a penis.
Me: What?
3-year-old: I have swim trunks and a penis.
Husband: I think what he’s trying to say is he has no underwear on.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
5-year-old: Daddy, I want a hug and a kiss!
Husband: Come to our room, then.
5-year-old: No. I stepped on a Lego in there.
9-year-old: I’m getting fat
Me: I don’t think you’ll ever get fat.
6-year-old: Yeah, like daddy.
Husband: What, you mean like daddy doesn’t get fat?
9-year-old: No, like I’ll never be fat like you.
Husband: I can’t believe you’re not full.
Me: I know. I’ve had one bowl and a little chicken and I’m full.
5-year-old: I’ve had four bowls!
Target Guy: In the future, you can go ahead and order in advance, and we’ll have it waiting for you when you get here.
6-year-old:
Husband: Okay.
6-year-old [tugging on Husband’s sleeve, eyes wide, mouth slack]: Daddy, are we living in the future?
J: we went to the counselor today a policeman came to talk. I told him I could fight he said I couldn’t fight a big guy like him. I told him I was overeating to gain weight he said that was good.
