by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Me: It’s time for bed.
3-year-old: But we dinnent have breakthast.
Me: We just ate dinner.
3-year-old: But we dinnent have breakthast.
Me: Breakfast comes after bedtime.
3-year-old: No! Breakthast is now.
Me. No. It’s not.
3-year-old: Yes, it is!
Me: No it’s not.
3-year-old: Yes, it is!
[15 minutes later]
Me: I see what you’re doing here.
Husband: Everybody be quiet.
3-year-old: Why?
Husband: Slap your face for me, son.
5-year-old: I don’t ever want to see my teacher again.
Husband: Why? What happened?
5-year-old: She signed my folder today.
Husband: If you only knew how many times Jadon had his folder signed in kinder.
9-year-old: that was a long time ago. Aaannnd one of the times I got my folder signed I learned how to whistle. So there’s that.
Husband: Show me your whistle.
9-year-old: ffffftttt.
Husband: Yep. Totally learned to whistle.
9-year-old: May you please polish this with butter for me?
Me: We had really big cell phones when I was a little girl.
9-year-old: Did you have a milk man back then?
5-year-old: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
5-year-old: Axew
Me: Axew who?
5-year-old: Can I Axew a question?
Me: You already did. hahahahahaha I GOT THE LAST WORD ON THAT ONE.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: I don’t get it.
9-year-old: I really like playing Pikachu with Asher.
Me: Okay, enough with the Pokemon jokes.
6-year-old: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there.
6-year-old: There’s a Pokemon on your finger.
Me: There’s a Pokemon on your finger who?
6-year-old: There’s a Pokemon on your finger, and it’s named Pinky-choo!
Me: Are we ever going to be done with Pokemon jokes?
All: No.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Me: How do people show their love to each other?
5-year-old: They tell people.
Me: Does anybody at your school love you?
5-year-old: Only my teacher.
Me: Do you love anybody?
5-year-old: You. And myself.
Me: It’s good to love yourself.
6-year-old: Well, that’s just something that I did not know.
Me: What is love?
6-year-old: Nothing.
Me: Love is nothing?
6-year-old: I don’t want to answer right now. I’m getting too embarrassed.
Me: Does anybody at your school love you?
6-year-old: My teacher.
Me: Do you love anyone?
6-year-old: Everybody in this family.
Me: Last week you told us you didn’t like being in this family. You said you would be glad if we left.
6-year-old: No, I didn’t say that.
Me: You did.
6-year-old: That would just be not kind.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me:
6-year-old: I’m always kind.
Me: What do people do to show their love?
6-year-old: Maybe they hug or something?
Me: What do you do to show your love?
6-year-old: Hug.
Me: Can I have a hug?
6-year-old: No.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me:
6-year-old: What?
Me: Twins, what do you think love is?
3-year-old #1: I smell smoke.
3-year-old: #2: Me too.
Me:
3-year-olds:
Me: Do you think it’s your brains on fire?
Me: What do you do to show your love?
3-year-old #2: I don’t know. I’m cold.
Me: Do Mama and Daddy love each other?
3-year-old #2: Yeah.
Me: How do you know.
3-year-old #2: Close the door.
Me: Okay, random man.
3-year-old #2:
Me:
3-year-old #2: I not random man. I Zadok.
Me: What do you think love is?
3-year-old: [points at ceiling]
Me: The ceiling?
3-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Wow. And you think you know everything.
9-year-old: Love is when someone loves you.
Me: How do you know they love you?
9-year-old: They hug and kiss you.
Me: Do you love anybody in your school?
9-year-old: No. I would be super embarrassed.
Me: Why?
9-year-old: It would be a secret until she found out.
Me:
9-year-old:
Me: Okay, you know too much about love.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
6-year-old: Well, now I know I’m allergic to tomatoes.
Me: How?
6-year-old: Because someone at school had a tomato, and I sneezed when I was sitting beside her.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: Nope.
9-year-old: Ow! MY EAR HURTS!
Me [looking at his ear.]: Huh. There’s blood. What happened?
9-year-old: We were doing a fight game on the trampoline and I was wearing ear buds.
Me: It’s probably not safe to wear ear buds while you’re jumping on the trampoline.
9-year-old: Do you think I’m a fortuneteller? How did I know someone was going to push me?
Me:
9-year-old:
Me: Your logic. Impeccable.
Husband: Please don’t put LEGOs in your mouth.
9-year-old: Don’t worry. They’re starting to get a bad taste. They taste like rotten eggs.
Husband:
9-year-old:
Husband: How do you know what rotten eggs taste like?
Me: Can you imagine if Daddy wasn’t around? If he just left you?
6-year-old: That would be awesome.
5-year-old: And if you were never around.
6-year-old: Yeah, then we could buy all the things.
Me:
6-year-old:
5-year-old:
Me: Wow. I’m so glad you appreciate your parents.
Me [picking up the baby]: Alright, munchkin. Let’s go change your diaper.
9-year-old: Why do you call him munchkin? Why not dwarf?
Me:
9-year-old:
Me: No words. None. I’m completely out.
3-year-old: Mama, I took a spider toy home. It was a fun toy.
Me: OK. Well, say it, don’t spray it.
3-year-old:
Me:
3-year-old: It wasn’t a spray toy.
6-year-old: I think my dreams have died, because I don’t ever dream at night anymore.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: Maybe you sleep too hard.
6-year-old: No, my dreams are definitely dead.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Husband, getting into the van with six boys: It smells like fart in here.
Me:
Him:
Me:
Him: Never mind.
[At the dinner table.]
Husband: Put that thing away.
Me [Not looking]: We don’t bring toys to the table, boys.
Husband: It was his penis.
Me:
5-year-old:
Me: We don’t bring toys to the table.
Me: When Jadon was little, he used to point to the moon and say, “Da Moonah.” It was the funniest thing.
6-year-old: What did I say for the moon?
Me: You said it correctly.
6-year-old: What did I say for Fa China?
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: You still haven’t mastered that one yet.
Me: Oh, my gosh. What is that awful smell?
9-year-old: That was my toot, and it smells like heaven.
3-year-old #1: You say stop, I say go.
3-year-old #2: Go.
3-year-old #1: No, I say go. You say stop.
3-year-old #2: But I am the leader.
3-year-old #1: No, I am.
[30 minutes later]
3-year-old #2: No, I am.
3-year-old #1: No, I am.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
3-year-old: The sun broke in half, and now it’s a moon.
Me:
3-year-old:
Me: Are you a poet?
3-year-old: No, I’m a boy.
Me: I’m bringing the veggies over.
3-year-old: Those aren’t beggies. They’re bitchables.”
Me:
3-year-old:
Me: Just don’t say that in public, ‘kay?
9-year-old: No one in this family has a disability.
All the other kids: I do!
Me:
Husband:
Kids:
6-year-old: I do. I can’t climb up the shed door.
Husband [coming in from getting a haircut]: How do I look?
3-year-old: Daddy, you look like weird.
Husband: What’s your favorite thing about being in this family?
6-year-old: Nothing.
Husband: The cool parents?
6-year-old: Definitely not. There is nothing fun about this family, especially the parents.
9-year-old: More beans, please. I want to get really gassy tonight.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
5-year-old: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there
5-year-old: How do you get germs on your fingers?
Me: How do you get germs on your fingers who?
5-year-old: How you get germs on your fingers is you lick all over them.
Me:
5-year-old: you didn’t laugh.
Me. Oh, right. Hahaha
6-yearold: What do you call a witch that’s on the beach?
Me: I don’t know.
6-year-old: A sand-witch.
6-year-old: What happens when a banana is playing in the sun?
Me: I don’t know.
6-year-old: The banana peels
6-year-old: What do you call a singing cat?
Me: Um…
6-year-old: A cat singing.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: I think I saw that one coming.
6-year-old: What do you call a car that’s not moving?
Me: A stationary car.
6-year-old: No. A stopped car.
Me: Same thing.
6-year-old: No it’s not.
Me: Actually it is. Stationary means not moving.
6-year-old: But this car was stopped.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me:
6-year-old: It’s not the same thing. Trust me.
6-year-old: What do you call a penguin who doesn’t win?
Husband: I don’t know.
6-year-old: A peng-in. Get it?
Husband:
6-year-old:
Husband: No.
6-year-old: A peng-in. He doesn’t win, so you take out the w.
Husband:
6-year-old:
Husband:
6-year-old: Never mind.
