by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Husband: You’re being a pest.
8-year-old: Well, then, call pest control.
Me [under my breath]: How I wish it were that easy.
Me [Turning out the lights in their bedroom]: You lost the privilege of a longer reading time, because you’re playing instead of reading.
3-year-old: I want to read.
Me: You had a chance to read. Now you have to take a nap.
3-year-old: I telling Daddy you not having dinner.
Me:
3-year-old:
Me: Good thing you don’t make the rules.
5-year-old [marching from the bathroom with one green flip flop and a bare foot]: I am the master of poo!
While Husband is clipping his toenails:
5-year-old: Daddy, are you clipping your toenails?
Husband: Yeah.
5-year-old: I bite my toenails.
Husband: Oh, really?
5-year-old: And then I swallow them.
Husband:
5-year-old:
Husband: Don’t tell Mama, okay?
Just after getting home:
9-year-old: Who’s going to check the upstairs for monsters?
Me [laughing out loud]: Jadon. You’re silly.
9-year-old: Did you just volunteer, Mama?
Me:
9-year-old:
Me: What kind of monsters?
9-year-old: I just dislocated my jaw, I think.
Me: Do you think it’s because you talk so much?
9-year-old:
Me:
9-year-old:
Me:
9-year-old: I don’t think so. I think it’s because I yawn too big.
Leaving late from a Christmas party:
6-year-old: It’s stuck! I can’t get it in!
Me [giggling, to husband]: That’s what she said.
6-year-old: I need help! I can’t do it!
Me [giggling harder]: That’s what she said.
6-year-old: Daddy, my seat belt won’t buckle! Help!
Me [giggling hysterically]: That’s what she said.
Husband: OK, you’re taking this too far. I think we had you out in public too long.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
5-year-old: Well, I guess Asa has to stay home today.
3-year-old #1: Yeah, because he has a throat.
3-year-old #2: No, he throwed up.
3-year-old #1: Yeah, he throwed up because he ate the oatmeal Mama cooked.
5-year-old: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
5-year-old: Weapon.
Me: Weapon who?
5-year-old: Weapon Nae Nae. [hysterical laugh] Get it? Weapon Nae Nae, not Whip It Nae Nae.
Me:
5-year-old:
Me: I like knock knock jokes when they make sense.
5-year-old: Knock knock.
Me: Nope.
6-year-old: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
6-year-old: What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Me: I don’t know.
6-year-old: Aye Matey.
Me: …
3-year-old twins [singing]: Police daddy dap.
Me: It’s actually Feliz Navidad.
3-year-old twins: Feliz nonny dad.
Me: It’s FELIZ NAVIDad
3-year-old twins: Police navi dad.
Me:
3-year-olds:
Me: So close.
6-year-old: Mama, guess whose light saber this is. Oh, never mind. Daddy, whose light saber is this?
Husband: Yoda.
6-year-old: Yes, first guess!
Me: Why didn’t you ask me?
6-year-old: Because you don’t like guessing games.
9-year-old: And you don’t know anything about Star Wars.
Husband: Mama knows about Star Wars. Ask her anything.
9-year-old: How did Qui-Gon Jinn die in episode one?
Me: He was probably killed by a light saber.
9-year-old: But who killed him?
Me:
9-year-old:
Me: I have no idea.
9-year-old: See.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
5-year-old: Mama! I have something really important to tell you.
Me: Well, I’m working.
5-year-old: Just real quick.
Me: Ok.
5-year-old [singing]: Batman’s in the kitchen, Robin’s in the hall, Joker’s in the bathroom, peeing on the wall!”
Me:
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: What? He’s a bad guy.
6-year-old: Dear God, thank you for the day and for my baby brother I love so much, and please help us stop tooting, because it really smells. Amen.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: I second that.
[Kids losing their minds.]
Husband: Why can’t we just have fun at Family Time?
9-year-old: Because we talk too much.
Husband:
9-year-old:
Husband: I’m glad you’re so smart.
Me: Are you having another glass of wine?
Husband: Just a little more.
6-year-old: It looks like you’re turning drunk.
Me:
Husband:
6-year-old: What does drunk mean?
9-year-old: Mama, if there was a boy who lied all the time in an orphanage and there was me, who would you choose?
Me: Is this a trick question?
9-year-old: No.
Me: Well, of course I would choose you.
9-year-old: Ha.
[5 minutes later, singing the same song he’s been singing all afternoon.]
Me: Wait, can I change my answer?
Husband: Alright, tonight’s Advent activity is to tell Zadok why you love him.
6-year-old: I love Zadok, because he’s easy to take down.
Husband: That’s not exactly–
9-year-old: I love him because he’s a good punching bag.
Husband: Wait–
5-year-old: I love him because he’s so annoying.
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: Well, we’ve come a long way since last year. At least there’s that.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
6-year-old: Sometimes I can’t get my poop out of my…uhhhh….
5-year-old: Booty crack?
6-year-old: No, my uhhhh….
Me: Colon?
6-year-old: No. My…uhhh…oh! My sphincter!
3-year-old: Daddy, you have a penis.
Husband: Yeah.
3-year-old: I have a penis.
Husband: Yes.
3-year-old: My brothers have a penis.
Husband: Yes they do.
3-year-old: Mama doesn’t have a penis. She has a booty.
Husband:
3-year-old:
Husband: Yes. Exactly.
3-year-old: I have a booty, too.
Husband:
3-year-old:
Husband: Well, I guess not exactly.
6-year-old: I came out of your belly first.
5-year-old: And then I came next.
9-year-old: Actually, I came first.
Me: You didn’t actually come out of my belly. The correct term is uterus.
6-year-old: So we came out your uterus?
Me: Well, no, you came out of my vaginal passage.
6-year-old: Where is your vaginal passage?
Me: It’s attached to my vagina.
6-year-old: Wait. You have a China?
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: Maybe we should wait until you’re older.
6-year-old: Yeah. I agree.
6-year-old: I held a worm today. And I ate a gummy worm.
Me: Would you ever eat a real worm?
6-year-old: No way.
9-year-old: Not unless someone paid me 5,000 dollars.
Me: Would you do it for 5 dollars?
9-year-old: No. I would at least need to be able to buy some new Pokemon cards. So 6 dollars.
Me:
9-year-old:
Me: Nope.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Husband: What is something you enjoy about being in a big family?
8-year-old: Not having a lot of attention?
Me: Wait. You enjoy that?
8-year-old: I was being sarcastic. Watching something on TV when you guys try to clean.
Me:
Husband:
8-year-old: That’s what I enjoy about being in a big family.
6-year-old: I would rearrange our whole living room.
Me: Oh yeah?
6-year-old: I would put the couch here and the loveseat here and the big chair here.
Me:
6-year-old: And then, in our kitchen, I would put the table here and—Wait. Did we win that? [pointing to the dishwasher.]
Husband: No, buddy. That came with the house. We’ve had it for nine years.
6-year-old:
Husband:
6-year-old: Huh.
5-year-old: What’s 10 plus 10 plus 10 plus 10 plus 10 plus 10?
6-year-old: I DON’t KNOW! There can’t be that many—wait. Thirty!
Me:
6-year-old:
Me:
6-year-old: I’m really good at math. That’s how I know.
5-year-old [to 6-year-old]: I’m glad I’m not sitting by you because we would fight.
6-year-old: We’re not twins.
Me [Singing]: Everything is awesome!
6-year-old: Actually, everything isn’t awesome. Death isn’t awesome.
Me:
6-year-old:
Me:
6-year-old: Death is definitely NOT awesome.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Katy Perry’s “Firework:”
Baby you’re a wheel of death
You have stinky breath
You make me go “Ew ew ew
That smells like poo poo poo
Capital Cities’ “Safe and Sound:”
I can throw you up
I can throw up on the toilet seat and toot like a birdie tweet
You can be my luck
Even if the sky is going round I know that we’ll be poopy pound
Poopy pound
Poopy pound
Calvin Harris’s “Blame It On the Night:”
Blame it on my peepee
Eee eee
Don’t blame it on me
Don’t blame it on me
Blame it on my peepee
Eee eee
Don’t blame it on me
Don’t blame it on me
Owl City’s “It’s Always A Good Time:”
Whoa-oa-oh
It’s always a good time
Tooooo pooooop
We don’t even have to try
It’s always a good time.
Village People’s “YMCA:”
Young man
I have a disease
I said young man
I am going to sneeze
I said young man
You don’t want my disease
It’s a ba-na-na allergy
