by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Me [holding up something indistinguishable. Is it food? Trash? A little of both?]: What in the world is this?
Husband: I’m not really sure.
8-year-old: I volunteer to eat that.
Me:
Husband:
8-year-old:
Me: Nope.
6-year-old: Mama, will you sign me up for soccer?
Me: …
Translation: Mama, will you sign your life away to me?
(Sorry soccer moms. It’s true.)
8-year-old: Did you hear that stomping noise?!!!
Husband: Yeah. Was that you?
8-year-old: Yeah! Last week I weighed myself, and I was 62 point something pounds! And today I was 63 point something!
Me:
Husband:
8-year-old: [grinning]
What Husband and I are thinking: I wish we were that excited about gaining a pound.
Me: There. I’m done with my makeup. How do I look?
6-year-old: Wow! You look beautiful! [singing] That’s what makes you beautiful. [chuckles to himself.] Yeah. Makeup.
Me: What? I’m not beautiful without makeup?
6-year-old: Wait. You’re beautiful all the time, Mama.
3-year-old: Mama! I don’t want to eat beans.
Me: Well! You’re going to have to eat beans. It’s what’s for dinner.
Husband: Yeah. It’s what’s for dinner.
3-year-old: Stop copying me, Daddy!
Husband: I’m not copying you.
3-year-old: Yes you are.
Husband: No I’m not.
3-year-old: Yes you are.
Husband: No I’m not.
3-year-old: Yes you are.
Husband:
3-year-old:
Husband:
3-year-old: You are, Daddy.
Husband: You are, Daddy.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Husband: Where were you? It’s time for dinner.
6-year-old: I was getting my brother.
Husband: But your brother got in here five minutes ago. What were you doing for the other five minutes?
6-year-old: Staring at this girl.
Husband:
6-year-old:
Husband: Well.
Me: What did you do in school today?
5-year-old: My teacher went to Lulu’s to get some ice cream.
Me: Who was watching you?
5-year-old: One of my friend’s moms.
6-year-old: Yeah. All the teachers went for ice cream.
Me, to 6-year-old: Who watched you?
6-year-old: No one watched me. I was too fast.
8-year-old: Mama, I just wiped my nose, and a booger came off on my finger.
Me: Well, wait until you have a tissue to get rid of it.
8-year-old: Oh, it’s OK. I just dropped it in my backpack.
Me: Hang on. Let me get some forks.
6-year-old: Hey! I thought we always ate with our hands!
Me:
6-year-old:
Me:
6-year-old: Well, not always. Just with Daddy.
Husband: What’s wrong, buddy?
6-year-old:
Husband: Are you sad?
6-year-old:
Husband: Mad?
6-year-old:
Husband: Confused?
6-year-old:
Husband:
6-year-old: Try to make yourself a statue.
6-year-old, talking to his brother in the back seat: One time in Odyssey, I learned that God knows everything we’re going to do before we do it.
5-year-old: Yeah. He knows when we’re going to hit.
6-year-old: And when we’re going to draw on the couch.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Me, to Husband: I was just telling Mom that I would rather raise kids in the time period when she was raising kids, because we didn’t have all this Internet and smartphone stuff.
8-year-old: Yeah, and you didn’t have TV.
Husband: We had TV. It wasn’t flat, though.
8-year-old: And it was black and white.
Husband: No, we had color.
8-year-old: But it was something to brag about.
Me: We are not having a bake sale.
8-year-old: But I want to make money!
Me: There are better ways to make money.
8-year-old: But you could get me Pinterest.
Me:
8-year-old:
Me: Trust me, you don’t want to get on Pinterest.
8-year-old: Yeah, I guess it doesn’t work for you.
Me: While you guys were gone, your girlfriends kept knocking on the door asking to play.
8-year-old: Did you answer the door?
Me: No.
8-year-old: That’s not cool. They might think we were murdered.
Me: Ha. I don’t think so, baby.
8-year-old: What? No one knows what’s going on in the mind of a little girl.
And a special bonus:
Husband, on text: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Umm…Is it really a a joke? Or just bad news disguised as a joke?
Husband: The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
Me:
Husband: It was tense.
Me: I can just imagine you downstairs snickering into your hand.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
5-year-old: [home sick from school.] I DON’T NEED A NAP.
[five minutes later, snapped the picture above.]
Me: You’re going to be late again.
8-year-old: Well, you should have gotten me out of bed sooner.
Me: Well, I wanted you to get the most sleep you possibly could so you wouldn’t be tired.
8-year-old:
Me:
8-year-old: Well, I don’t know what to say about that.
Me: Why are you drinking out of a bowl?
6-year-old: Because I couldn’t find any cups.
Me: That’s weird.
[Open cabinets to see a million different cups.]
Me:
6-year-old:
Me: What was that again?
Me: Time to go.
8-year-old: You should have told me to get out of the shower sooner.
Me: That’s not my job.
8-year-old:
Me:
8-year-old: Everything’s your job.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
8-year-old: Mama, what is this? [holding a cassette recording of The Hobbit.]
Me: I think they call that a cassette tape.
8-year-old: I’ve never even seen one of these before! It’s like from ancient times!
Me:
8-year-old:
Me:
8-year-old: Did you listen to these when you were a kid, Mama?
8-year-old: [lapping up his vegetables like he’s a dog or something.]
Me: What are you doing, son? Use some manners.
8-year-old: I’m just trying to see if I’m a vegetable vampire.
Me:
8-year-old:
Me:
8-year-old: Yep. I am.
Me: Why is your face so dirty?
3-year-old: Because I ate too much food.
Me: Sounds about right.
5-year-old: [Looking at a Marvel superhero book. Turns to the page with the girl superheroes.] Where’s the girl Spider-Man?
Daddy: Right there. [pointing to the page]
5-year-old: Oh, yeah. Because she has The Bumps. [points to opposite sides of his chest]
Daddy:
5-year-old: [looks down at chest] I don’t have The Bumps.
8-year-old: Mama, did you know that my penis is a toilet paper ninja?
Me: Oh, really? Do I really want to know why?
8-year-old: Yeah, it’s because when I pee and there’s toilet paper in the toilet because my brothers forgot to flush, it cuts the toilet paper in half. Like a ninja.
Me:
8-year-old: Don’t worry. I won’t ever say that in public.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Husband: Does Mama know what you do at all times?
3-year-old: No.
Husband: Yes. Mama always knows. Mama knows everything and sees everything.
5-year-old: If we tell someone a secret, will Mama hear it?
Husband:
5-year-old:
Husband: Yes.
Me: Before you go outside to play, you have to clean your room.
8-year-old: I don’t have to. You just want me to.
Me: It’s a mess. I’d say you have to clean it now, because it’s a national disaster in there.
8-year-old: I’m a writer, a film maker and an inventor. I am not a room cleaner.
Me:
8-year-old:
Me: I can’t think of anything to say.
3-year-old: Are we having berries for lunch, Mama?
Me: Yes. We’re having strawberries for lunch.
3-year-old: But are we having berries, Mama?
Me: I just said yes. We’re having strawberries. Strawberries are berries.
3-year-old: NO! THEY’RE STRAWBERRIES!
Me:
5-year-old: (just got back from his brother’s art lessons, where he always gets a lollipop. High on sugar). I LOVE CRAYONS! I LOVE LOLLIPOPS! I LOVE UNICORNS!
Me:
