by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
CD: What kind of animal should you not play cards with?
…
CD: A cheetah!
5-year-old: Yeah! Because he would eat us!
Me: …
Husband: You now have an extra chore, because you got down from the table without permission.
8-year-old: Oooohhhh. Looks like you lost your audience. I’m going to tell all the kids at school that your podcast is so stupid even I don’t want to listen to it.”
Me: …
8-year-old: It’s not fair. You have so much money. We have nothing.
Me: …
8-year-old: …
Me: …
8-year-old: You should give me some of your money.
Me: Why did you pull out one of my hairs?
8-year-old: Sorry. I’m going to go put it on my desk.
Me: Why?
8-year-old: Because I might want to study it.
3-year-old: Mama, my poop is orange!
Me: …
3-year-old: Mama, my poop is orange!
Me: …
3-year-old: Mama, my poop is orange!
Me: I HEARD YOU!
3-year-old: …
Me: …
3-year-old: Come look.
5-year-old: I had a really bad dream last night. I came downstairs and everything was pink. It was the most horriblest dream. It was really scary.
Me: …
5-year-old (bouncing off the walls): My teacher gave me skittles today!
Me: Why did your teacher give you skittles?
5-year-old: Because I worked really hard on my work.
Husband: Know what’s an even better reward for hard work?
6-year-old: Chocolate!
Me: …
8-year-old goes to wash off his plate, heads toward the refrigerator.
Husband: Why is the water still on?
Me: Turn off the water, son.
8-year-old (looking back at the sink): What? I was wondering what that noise was.
Me: …
Me: You guys definitely need a bath tonight.
8-year-old: Yeah. Smell this. (comes at me with his armpit exposed)
Me: NOOOOOOO!
Because boys.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
I like to show my muscles
(See picture above)
Asa (6): “I’m just wearing my vest, because you can see my muscles.”
Me: “…”
The ultimate laziness
Jadon (8): “They should make a bed with a toilet in it. Then I could go to sleep with no underwear on, and if I needed to pee in the middle of the night, I could just do it.”
Me: “…”
(He’s on the top bunk with a ceiling fan that could karate chop his head if he forgets about it. I’ll cut him some slack.)
No, I don’t want to ride a bike
Husband: “Okay! Who wants to ride their bikes out front?”
All the kids: “Not me!”
Me: “Oh, come on, guys. Don’t you want to practice riding your bikes?”
Asa (6): “NO! WE’RE SCOOTER RIDERS.”
Me: “…”
(He was genuinely upset, because scooter riders don’t mix with bike riders, apparently.)
A great simile or a weird one?
Boaz (3): “My throat feels like salad.”
Me: “…”
I not hungry
Boaz: “Mama, I hungry.”
Me: “Nice to meet you, hungry.”
Boaz: “NO! I NOT HUNGRY, I BOAZ!”
Me: “…”
Boaz: “I hungry.”
They’re like weapon magnets
(The twins are making noise on the back deck)
Husband: “I don’t even want to see what they’re playing with right now.”
Me: “Just look. Make sure it’s nothing bad.” (I’m feeding the baby. So it’s his responsibility.)
Husband: “Oh, dang. The recycling bin is on its side. They have old milk cartons. They’re using them to sword fight.”
Me: “That’s not too bad.”
Husband: “Wait. Those milk cartons were rinsed out, right? Because now they’re drinking whatever’s inside.”
Me: “…”
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
That’s because you’re an alien
Jadon (8): “Real moms and dads don’t give their kids chores after dinner.”
Mama: “Huh. That’s weird. I guess Nonny wasn’t a real mom, because I had to do dishes after dinner all the time when I was a kid.”
Jadon: “That’s because you’re an alien. And she is too.”
Watch out for the fumes
Asa (6): “If you come over here, don’t you dare, because I just tooted.”
Thanks for the warning son, but I already walked right into it.
The fight club
The oldest was asking about going to a secret hideout he and his brothers have. Alone. We hesitated.
Jadon: “So, can we go by ourselves, Mama? We have excellent fighting moves.”
Mama: …
Please, please, please go outside
(Trying to cook dinner.)
Mama: “I’m going to send you all outside if you don’t get out of the kitchen.”
Asa: “But I’ll be sweating and I’ll be melted.”
Let something else speak for you
Mama: “So, Asa, what are you thankful for?”
Asa: “I’m thankful for my baby brother Asher. Except when he has a poopy diaper. Because then he smells like—”
(Asa’s booty): Pffffffttt
(Laughter, all around)
Hosea (5): “Asa! Your booty was talking for you!”
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
What I’ve been wondering my whole life
Asa (5): “Mama, there are some things I’ve been wondering my whole life. Like, since I was 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5.”
Mama: “Oh yeah? What’s that?”
Asa: “I’ve been wondering where bites come from and how they make bumps on you. And how babies come out of you and why girls don’t have penises.”
Me: “Wow. Those are some really good questions. We’ll put them on our I Wonder Wall.”
Because then I don’t have to answer them right now.
The boy who could fly
Mama: “Be careful out in the tall grass.”
Boaz (3): “There may be snakes.”
Mama: “Yeah, and other things.”
Hosea (4): “Well, they can’t get me because I can fly.”
What’s in that diaper?
Changing the baby’s diaper:
Mama: “Wow. That’s a lot of poop.”
Zadok (2): “Yeah. That looks like guacamole poop.”
Go check your pants
Asa (6): “Ow! My booty hurts because of my toot. Sometimes that happens.”
Hosea: “Yeah. That happens to me when I have diarrhea.”
How to impress a high school student
The 8-year-old got some art displayed at the high school art show. After it, here’s what he said.
Jadon: “I think I just saw some high school kids and I might have even impressed them by running and jumping and changing direction in midair.”
He has so much to learn.
A nice way of saying ‘I hate you’
Jadon: “When you’re dead, Daddy, I’m going to poop on your body.”
Romantic musings of a 4-year-old
Hosea: “Mama, I saw a picture in a picture book of when you and daddy got married, and you shared a true love’s kiss. I asked daddy if it was true love’s kiss and he said yes.”
Ask a question, get an answer
Daddy: “Do you know what’s really good for your teeth?”
Hosea: “Toothpaste.”
Daddy: (Pause.) “That’s really good for your teeth, too, when you use it on a toothbrush. But also apples. Apples are really good for your teeth.”
Hey, look. It’s Random Man.
Hosea: “Mama, I want to wear my batman shirt to Nonny and Poppy’s.”
Mama: “OK. You’re not going there until tomorrow morning, though.”
Hosea: “Well! I don’t like salmon!”
Mama: “What does that have to do with Nonny and Poppy’s house and your Batman shirt?”
Hosea: “Well, I don’t burp anymore. I just toot.”
Try to follow THAT conversation.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Impossible wishes
Hosea (4): “I love Ellie so much. I wish I was a dog so I could marry her.”
Another sex talk gone wrong.
Jadon (8): “Mama, are we going to ever have another baby?”
Mama: “No, Mama and Daddy are done.”
Boys: “Awwwwwww!”
Jadon: “How do you stop having babies?”
Mama: “Well, there’s this window of time where a woman releases and egg, and we can prevent that egg from getting fertilized using some different methods.”
Jadon: “So you just have to stay away from men?”
Mama: “Well, I have to stay away from Daddy. Sort of.”
Jadon: “Oh.” (Looks like he might? understand.) “So when a man fertilizes an egg that means the egg turns into a boy?”
In our case, yes, that’s exactly what happens.
Way to be specific
Zadok: “Mama, he hurt my hair.”
Mama: “He hurt your head?”
Zadok: “No, he hurt my hair.”
I didn’t realize hair could feel.
Funny words from a 4-year-old
Mama: “Is that what you want to do?”
Hosea: “Yes. It is. Indeed.”
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Identity crisis
Zadok (2): “Daddy a boy and Jadon a boy. I not a boy, I a twin.”
My poop scared me
Jadon (8): “Mama, I sat down to poop today, and it sounded like a gunshot when it came out.”
Mama: “Wow. That’s quite interesting…information.”
Jadon: “Yeah. It scared me. I don’t want to ever do that again.”
April Fool’s Fun
Asa (5): “Mama, I got on red today.”
Mama: “Really?” He looked really crestfallen, this boy who hardly ever gets in trouble.
Asa: “April Fool’s! Actually, I got on purple. That means awesome.”
Mama: “How exciting for you!”
Asa: “April Fool’s!”
Jadon (8): “I walked home from school by myself.”
Mama: “No you didn’t.”
Jadon: “April Fool’s!”
Hosea (4): “Mama, I lost my shoe on the way to pick up Jadon and Asa.”
Mama: “Then why is it on your foot?”
Hosea: “April Fool’s!”
These “jokes” went on for ten minutes, before I had to close them down.
An orphanage is better than home
Jadon: “I want you to drop me off at an orphanage.”
Mama: “You think an orphanage is better than living with Mama and Daddy?”
Jadon: “Yes! You’re that bad to me.”
(Because we told him it was time to clean up his LEGOs and come participate in story time.)
That’s some motivation
Daddy: “So I’m going to work out four times a week, and every time I do a workout, I want you guys to celebrate with me. What are you going to do to celebrate?”
Asa: “I’m going to turn into Swift and run to Ms. Hevner’s house and get some infetti eggs.”
Mama: “What kind of eggs?”
Asa: “Infinity eggs?”
Jadon: “Confetti eggs, Asa.”
Hosea: “I’m going to clean off the dining room table and wipe it with sprayer.”
Daddy (trying so hard not to laugh): “And what are you going to do to celebrate with me, Jadon?”
Jadon: “I’m going to attack you.”
And he did.
