by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Field Trip Blues
Jadon (8): “My field trip is this week.”
Mama: “I know. I signed up to be a volunteer.”
Jadon: “Aw, darn it. I wanted to do inappropriate stuff.”
Superheroes Have to Eat, Too
I’m trying to take a picture of them all around the table for my ‘Eating Personalities of Children” article.
Asa (5): “Spider-Man, shooting.”
Hosea (4): “Batman, flying.”
Zadok (2): Captain America, eating.”
Driving in the car
Boaz (2): “Daddy, you going wrong way.”
Daddy: “No, actually, I know where I’m going.”
Boaz: “No! Turn around. Daddy, turn around. You going wrong way.”
Daddy: “…”
It’s impossible to win an argument with a 2-year-old. We know. We’ve tried.
What’s My Age Again?
Zadok: “I five years old.”
Hosea: “No! You’re 2.”
Zadok: “I talking to Mama! Mama, I five.”
Mama: “No, actually Hosea’s right. You’re only 2.”
Zadok: “No! I five!”
Hosea and Zadok argued about this for no less than fifteen minutes. I wish I were kidding. I’ll never, ever get that time back.
Say What?
Mama: “No, Zadok, you may not go outside. I’m sorry. We need to do our chores.”
Zadok: “You not the boss, Mama.”
Mama: “Um…yes I am, actually.”
Zadok: “Daddy the boss. Daddy, I want go outside.”
Daddy: “Mama said no.”
Zadok: “Mama not the boss.”
Daddy: “Yes she is.”
Zadok: “No! Mama doesn’t have a penis.”
I need help with this one. Our boys don’t watch television. My husband doesn’t tell them that only boys are bosses. We don’t read books that indicate that males are the only authorities…where does this male supremacy come from?
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
At least we’re safe from fat bandits
Hosea (4): “Did you know part of our fence was down?”
Mama: “It is? How did that happen?”
Hosea: “I don’t know.”
Jadon (8): “Well, at least a bandit can’t get through. At least not a fat bandit.”
The name of the game is ‘Let’s Hurt Each Other’
Jadon: “At first Hosea won and Asa got mad and kicked him, and I said, ‘Nobody does that to my brother.'”
Mama: “So you guys were hurting each other?”
Jadon: “Yeah. That was the point of the game.”
I bet I’d look good in spandex
Mama: “Asa, did you know you’re wearing the twins’ pajama pants?” (The twins are 2. Asa is 5.)
Asa (5): “Yeah. I really like tight things. I want 200,000 tight things.”
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Mr. Thesaurus
In the park, the boys were playing. Hosea (4) fell off something he was climbing on.
Hosea: “I hurt my butt.”
Mama: “We don’t say that word. What do we say instead?”
Hosea: “I hurt my buttocks.”
The correct answer was booty. But what could we say?
The truth about Texas
Asa: “Our state tree is a pecan tree. And our state flower is a mockingbird.”
Jadon: “No, that’s the state bird.”
Asa: “Oooohhhhh, yeah.”
Hosea: “There’s a bunch of state bugs in Texas.”
Allergic is cool
Asa: “I can’t have milk. Remember? My elbows?”
Mama: “Well, we don’t know for sure that milk is what’s making your elbows like that. So we don’t know for sure if you’re allergic.”
Asa: Well, then I’m not allergic to anything! I have to be allergic to something!”
He was really genuinely upset about this.
But is a bad word
Mama: “Hosea, do you want to pick the books for story time?”
Hosea: “No. You go get the books this time.”
Mama: “OK. I will. But first I have to finish making your sandwich.”
Hosea: “Awwmmm. You said ‘butt’!”
Things you never want to know as a parent
At the dinner table
Asa: “One time I wiped my booty with my hand, and then I tasted it, but it didn’t taste very good. So I washed my hands.”
Mama: “That’s really, really gross.”
Asa: “Yeah. It was in your bathroom.”
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
Can you read my mind?
We’re playing a game around the table, where one person expresses an emotion and all the others try to guess which emotion it is. The oldest is making a facial expression no one can name.
Mama: “Worried?”
Jadon (8): “No.”
Daddy: “Constipated?”
Jadon: “No.”
Silence.
Jadon: “Can you think of anything else? It’s from a movie that hasn’t been made yet.”
A movie that hasn’t been made yet, because it’s still in his brain.
We’re not so happy
Hosea (4) (singing): “If you’re happy and you know it–”
Asa (5): “Shut up.”
Hygiene advice from a 4-year-old
Hosea: “Daddy, you need to cut your toenails.”
Daddy: “Yeah, I do.”
Hosea: “Do you know why, Daddy?”
Daddy: “Why?”
Hosea: “Because they’re too long.”
What an 8-year-old tantrum looks like
Daddy: “No, I’m sorry, it’s not time for that right now, Jadon. It’s time to get in the bath.”
Jadon (in a growl-like voice): “YOOOUUU MMMEEEAAANNN DAAAAADDY! YOOOOUUUU FARTFACE! YOOOOUUUU BUTTFACE!”
(He was given a firm talking to, don’t worry. After we had the classic turn-your-face-away laugh.)
A baby helps you sleep
Jadon, knocking on our door after it’s lights out: “I’m having trouble getting to sleep.”
Daddy: “Why don’t you try getting in your bed and trying not to fall asleep?”
Jadon: “Sometimes when I look at baby Asher I get sleepy. Can I come look at baby Asher?”
OK. I guess that works, too.
Sex talk gone wrong
Asa (5): “Mama, I’m sorry they had to cut open your stomach to get baby Asher out.”
Mama: “They didn’t, baby. Don’t worry.”
Asa: “Oh. Well how did he come out?”
Mama: “Remember? We talked about this the other night. There’s this thing women have called the vaginal passage. Babies come out that.”
Asa: “You mean your throat?”
Yes. Exactly that. Glad you were listening, son.
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
We’re winning at parenting
Jadon (8): “I need a haircut. My hair is so long it keeps getting stuck in my ears, because my ears have too much wax in them.”
Asa (5): “My ears have so much earwax!”
Where are you going?
Hosea (4): “Where are you going, Daddy?”
Daddy: “To Sean’s house.”
Hosea: “I want to go.”
Daddy: “Oh, Sean doesn’t allow kids at his house.”
Hosea: “Wait, so you can’t go?”
Tastes Like Brown
Hosea, while eating an apple: “Daddy, I just ate a caterpillar.”
Daddy: “You probably didn’t eat a caterpillar. What did it taste like?”
Hosea: “It tastes like the color brown.”
Smells Like Brown?
Asa: “I just tooted on my hand. Smell my hand.”
by Rachel Toalson | Stuff Crash Test Kids say
I’m Coming To Kill You
Hosea (4) in a sing-song voice: “Spiiiider… I’m coming to kiiill you.”
GET FIRED!!!
Asa (5): “You should quit all of your jobs and just spend time with us.”
Daddy: “We would love that!”
Hosea (chanting): “GET FIRED! GET FIRED! GET FIRED!”
Big Boys Don’t Need Straws
Asa: “I don’t need a straw, I’m a big boy.”
Thinks for a moment
“Actually, I like straws.” Puts the straw back into his cup
Un-reciprocated Affection
Hosea: “I try to kiss Asa, but he just spits in my face.”
