I write all kinds of books, but my favorites include books for children and teens. I spend the bulk of my time writing those. And some people like to know why.
There are several reasons. But one of the biggest is to “lift as I climb,” as poet Angela Davis says. (The actual quote is, “We must learn to lift as we climb.”)
I put a lot of myself into my books for children and teens. I try to bravely (and sometimes not-so-bravely) explore childhood experiences and traumas, which, in my eyes, has a dual purpose: It helps the child in me process through them and it also, I hope, lifts other children out of the dark places I’ve been. Helps them feel less alone. Shows them a way out. Reminds them that what’s going on in their lives is not their fault.
I hope they realize all of those things sooner than I did.
Although I believe therapy is beneficial to everyone, if only to give us a sense of being deeply listened to—which can’t be underestimated—I often tell people if I can save children and teens from the years of intense therapy I’ve had to undergo to (sometimes) believe I’m magnificent, I’ll pour all my secrets out.
Well, I’m not sure about all my secrets—but at least the ones I’m moved to share because of the lives and wellbeing of my readers.
I always like to think of this as a kind of generosity. One of my family’s values is to be generous—with our time, with our resources (whenever possible), with ourselves, with our hearts, with words, with kindness, with love. My husband and I have tried to teach our sons that.
Generosity is good for others, of course, but it’s also good for us. Studies show it reduces stress and boosts our physical health. It fosters joy and helps us hold tight to our sense of purpose. It combats depression. And guess what else? It increases our lifespan. Generous people live longer.
Studies also show it deepens our social connection and improves our relationships. And it makes us feel better about ourselves. When someone benefits from our generosity, it’s practically impossible to see ourselves as worthless.
When I think about generosity, I naturally think about money. But that’s not the only way to be generous and give to others. Generosity can also look like inviting the couple down the road to a dinner at our house, because they don’t seem to have much family around and this time of year is hard when we don’t have family around. It can look like spending a few extra minutes mowing the neighbor’s yard because they’re getting older and don’t have much time and energy to do it. It can look like spending a few extra minutes chatting with a parent in the pickup line and getting beyond the surface-level conversation, down to something deeper and more meaningful.
Talk to the homeless on the streets of your city. Bake some holiday treats to share. Donate things you don’t need anymore. Be generous in your attitudes and assumptions about others.
You can be as creative with your generosity as you want to be.
And here’s the thing, too: We should accept the generosity of others. This is often hard for us (or at least for me). But if we don’t accept another’s generosity or we say, “You don’t have to do that” or we minimize it, we rob them of the joy of giving. Accepting someone’s generosity can be a form of generosity, too.
Every year, starting the Friday after Thanksgiving, my family reads together A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens—one of the best books about the power of generosity, as Scrooge moves from miserly to generous. We uphold this tradition, because I want my sons to know what it means to be generous. I want to build in them, in me, in all of us, a practice of generosity—not so it’s a one-time, once-a-year thing but so we do it all the time. I want my sons to understand that “generous” is a way of being and existing in the world.
And I hope I lead them by example. I hope we all do.
May you have a beautiful month of choosing generosity.
What are some ways you can be generous in your daily life?
Here are some of my favorite generous practices (that don’t require money—or much, anyway):
1. Be there for someone.
My sons get chatty every so often, usually in the car. My brain is such that I often have a million things going on at once—to-do lists scrolling like a Star Wars intro, worries humming along in the background, stories begging for attention. My sons don’t always talk about important things—at least, not important things to me.
But offering them undivided attention is generous. Offering anyone our undivided attention in a world that tries to steal our attention everywhere, at every turn, is generous. During gatherings with friends and family, put phones away and focus on the conversation. Everyone feels loved when they’re listened to, and all it takes is a little time.
Related to that, be generous with your words. Compliment, encourage, leave positive reviews, be kind online. Talking to people without judging is generous. Showing them mercy and forgiveness and love is generous. We could use a lot more of that in our world.
2. Volunteer your time or expertise.
Choose an organization you care about and donate your time to them. Offer your services for free. Give something away. Teach a valuable skill to someone, or give away some of your knowledge. Spend time with people in need.
When I go downtown in my city, I try to engage with at least one homeless person. They don’t get many people who look them in the eyes, you know? I want them to know they still have dignity and worth. I want them to know they’re still worth being loved and listened to. And their stories are heartbreaking and illuminating.
Listening and empathizing feels generous to me.
3. “Random” (but intentional) acts of kindness.
Deliver cookies to a neighbor. Write a letter to a grandparent. Cook a meal for someone. Offer to babysit for a couple with young children. Let someone merge, send a care package, pick up trash in your neighborhood during your walk.
And be generous with your attitude, extending thank yous and appreciation for people. Send someone a text to let them know how much you’re grateful for their presence in your life.
There are lots of ways to be generous. We’re all in this together, and we all deserve the best in life. Let’s remember that we all belong to each other, and generosity will come easy for us.
