Parenting is simpler than ever in our day and age. So much advice exists that you can’t really go wrong, even if you tried. All you have to do is:
1. Make sure your kids can do their homework themselves, because they’ll need to be able to apply for a job someday.
2. But also make sure they know you’re there if they need an answer or two on that project due tomorrow—kids feel abandoned when we don’t help.
3. Make sure they get ample time to play, because play is how they learn.
4. But also make sure you take some of their free time away to teach them how to tie their shoes and read and write their names and complete sentences before they go to kindergarten, even though when we were in kindergarten it was all fun and games and mostly coloring (it’s a different world now).
5. Just don’t take too much play time away. And don’t let them play all the time. Because they need to know their letters. And how to tie their shoes. And how to write their names and sentences.
6. Make sure you teach your kids how to handle technology responsibly, because there’s a whole different world they can discover on the Internet, and it’s not pretty.
7. Make sure you let them explore technology, though, because how will they ever learn how to be brilliant computer programmers if they never get to explore?
8. Make sure you teach them how to use their phones properly—not while they’re driving, especially—and make sure they know it’s not appropriate to text dirty pictures to anyone, and make sure you’re keeping tabs on all their social profiles so you can confirm they’re not Internet bullying.
9. But make sure you don’t invade their privacy. Kids hate that.
10. Make sure you help them understand the importance of good grades and going to school every day, without a break, ever, and that perfect attendance is the best award you could ever get, because this is teaching commitment.
11. But make sure they also understand that grades aren’t everything, and, also, it’s important to take time off.
12. Make sure you help your kids know that you’re a parent who will always be available, even though the pressures in your job are mounting and the economy’s not stellar and your raise in income doesn’t really even cover the inflation costs of last year so now you’re working harder than ever.
13. But make sure your kids also know that work takes commitment, because you don’t want them thinking it’s all fun and games.
14. Make sure they don’t see you worry about money, because then they’ll have a bad relationship with money.
15. But make sure they don’t use money too irresponsibly, either, because you don’t want your kids to end back up on your couch.
16. Make sure you don’t let your kids know that they’re good at something, because then they’ll feel the need to be the best at everything, and they’ll seek approval and try to impress by the things they do instead of the people they are.
17. But make sure you don’t just leave them out to dry when they seek your approval.
18. Make sure they don’t have a deflated sense of self, because that kind of thing is paralyzing.
19. But also make sure they don’t have an inflated sense of self, which is just annoying.
20. Make sure you give every kid an award for something, because kids are fragile, you know, and we wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
21. But make sure they don’t all get an award, because you don’t want kids dependent on awards for trying.
22. Make sure your kids know how to be kind.
23. But also make sure that they know how to stand up for themselves.
24. Make sure they can identify and name the bullies.
25. But make sure they love the bullies, too.
26. Make sure your kids understand that it’s a good thing to be bored.
27. But don’t ever let your kids get bored, especially when you’re in a restaurant, where they might disturb other people out to eat with their hard-earned money, or if you’re at the doctor’s office, where they’ll never be able to find something to occupy their imagination, or especially if they’re at home, because kids underfoot. I don’t even have to finish that sentence.
28. Make sure you have all sorts of enrichment toys for them to play with so they’ll stay out of trouble and learn enough to stay ahead of their peers.
29. But don’t give them too many toys, because kids feel overwhelmed when faced with too many choices.
30. Make sure you get your kids in the gifted class (those enrichment toys will help!) so they’ll be challenged in the best possible ways.
31. But make sure they’re not aware that they’re different—special, even—because kids’ egos are a little flimsy, and they could feel sad that they’re different, or they could feel superior, which is slightly worse.
32. Make sure you feed them healthy food and teach them about organic and nonorganic, GMO and non-GMO, because you know the grocery store is like a death trap waiting to spring.
33. But make sure they have enough opportunities to eat like their peers, because everyone knows that a kid who doesn’t get to eat the donuts someone brought to school for a birthday party is a kid who will feel left out. We can’t let kids feel left out.
34. Make sure your kids know how to be independent.
35. But make sure they’re not too independent.
36. Make sure you protect their self-esteem.
37. But make sure they don’t have too much self-esteem, whatever that means.
38. Make sure they believe they deserve the life of their choosing.
39. But make sure they don’t feel entitled to anything.
There are so many things we’re expected to teach our children. So many paradoxes to parenting. So many people trying to tell us how to do it.
Maybe we can just take a deep breath for a minute. Maybe we can let a little of the pressure off. Maybe we can just let it be.
Maybe. But don’t forget that you can’t take too much time for yourself, because that would be unfair to the kids. But also make sure you’re getting enough rest. You don’t want to burn yourself out. You’ll need you strength, your sound mind, because parenting is hard. But also super easy.
You’ll never be confused. Always, probably.
This is an excerpt from Hills I’ll Probably Just Lie Down On, a humor book that does not yet have a release date. To read more of my humor essays, visit Crash Test Parents.
