CD: What kind of animal should you not play cards with?
…
CD: A cheetah!
5-year-old: Yeah! Because he would eat us!
Me: …
Husband: You now have an extra chore, because you got down from the table without permission.
8-year-old: Oooohhhh. Looks like you lost your audience. I’m going to tell all the kids at school that your podcast is so stupid even I don’t want to listen to it.”
Me: …
8-year-old: It’s not fair. You have so much money. We have nothing.
Me: …
8-year-old: …
Me: …
8-year-old: You should give me some of your money.
Me: Why did you pull out one of my hairs?
8-year-old: Sorry. I’m going to go put it on my desk.
Me: Why?
8-year-old: Because I might want to study it.
3-year-old: Mama, my poop is orange!
Me: …
3-year-old: Mama, my poop is orange!
Me: …
3-year-old: Mama, my poop is orange!
Me: I HEARD YOU!
3-year-old: …
Me: …
3-year-old: Come look.
5-year-old: I had a really bad dream last night. I came downstairs and everything was pink. It was the most horriblest dream. It was really scary.
Me: …
5-year-old (bouncing off the walls): My teacher gave me skittles today!
Me: Why did your teacher give you skittles?
5-year-old: Because I worked really hard on my work.
Husband: Know what’s an even better reward for hard work?
6-year-old: Chocolate!
Me: …
8-year-old goes to wash off his plate, heads toward the refrigerator.
Husband: Why is the water still on?
Me: Turn off the water, son.
8-year-old (looking back at the sink): What? I was wondering what that noise was.
Me: …
Me: You guys definitely need a bath tonight.
8-year-old: Yeah. Smell this. (comes at me with his armpit exposed)
Me: NOOOOOOO!
Because boys.
